


Measure in Love

by ABroodyGay



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: 1980s, Drug use mention, Ell is mentioned but very dead, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Angst, HIV/AIDS, Homophobic Language, Hospitals, Kirsch is bisexual, Misgendering, New York City, No supernatural stuff., Think of it like RENT just no singing, physical abuse mention, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-22 14:21:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4838447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABroodyGay/pseuds/ABroodyGay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She still hasn’t really taken it in. One week he was there...the next she had a phone call from his sister, sobbing down the phone that he had died in hospital. He hadn’t even told work why he was off sick.</p><p>It was AIDs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In truths that she learned

**Author's Note:**

> I have been calling this my RENT au when really all I've done is taken the setting and themes and dumped the characters of Carmilla in the middle of it. Be prepared for sadness. This is set in 1987 a little bit earlier than RENT (1989) .

When Laura Hollis moved to New York fresh she saw it as the biggest adventure of her life. She was ready for the hustle and bustle of the big city, late nights, rushed coffees and the clack of her type writer. Her father couldn’t quite believe how lucky she was to get a job straight out of college but she as far as she was concerned there was no luck involved, just a lot of hard work.

Harvey was the first person to make her smile when she walked into the office. She had felt entirely out of her depth, standing there with a box of her belongings and a desk that was hers. She didn’t quite know what to do with herself. But then this, gangly, brown eyed boy, strode over and shook her hand.

“Hi! You must be Laura, great to have you on the team!”

He was the photographer for most of their front page headlines and therefore horrendously busy, but he always had time, for anyone who needed him. He took Laura out her first week and showed her the sights where over one too many shots of tequila they both shared a secret. They were both gay. Well..it wasn’t a secret for Harvey.

“I’m as camp as a Macy’s parade darling!”

He was the first person she told. The only person she had told.

And now here she was, on a crisp, cold day, the sky so blue it hurt her eyes to look at it, burying him.

She still hasn’t really taken it in. One week he was there...the next she had a phone call from his sister, sobbing down the phone that he had died in hospital. He hadn’t even told work why he was off sick.

It was AIDs.

Laura had seen him get gradually thinner, the dark circles under his eyes, the sadness in his laugh. She had teased him and asked who he was so lovesick after. How could she have been so blind? So many stories, so many whispers, the headlines, the death toll. Soon everyone knew someone who had it or was dying or dead from it.

Now Laura was one of them. She watched the roses fall from trembling fingers, Harvey’s mother's face streaked with tears, his father’s hands clenched,until the knuckles were white.

She doesn’t cry. Not until she’s gone to the bar where they went every Friday.She sits in their booth, orders his favourite drink. Then she allows herself to mourn.

She comes to work the next day, eyes puffy, and hair a mess but determined. She would tell his story. She would make sure that people wouldn’t make his mistake. Why hadn’t he gone to the doctor? Was it the shame? The stigma? The fear? He might have still been here, the AZT holding back the infection, she would be walking into walk to his smile and the mocha he always got her.

Laura hasn’t spoken to the editor since she was interviewed. Wiping her clammy hands on her dress she knocks on the door.

“Come in!”

She enters closing the door behind her, setting her shoulders back, ready for the fight.

“Lisa isn’t it?” Approaching his desk she leans on the chair.

“Laura actually...I wanted to ask you something.”

He sighs and pushes away the papers in front of him. “Well make it quick, I’m a busy man.”

She struggles with the words for a moment because saying them will make it real. “After..after Harvey died-”

“Ah. Yes, nasty business. What about it?”

Laura clenches her jaw biting back the flash of anger wanting to spill out of her mouth.“I want to write an article. About the AIDs epidemic.”

He looks at her for a minute apparently weighing his words. “There are an awful lot of articles about AIDs Lisa.”

She decides to ignore him getting her name wrong. Again.

“But not about the people who are suffering. It’s just this big scary nebulous thing. I want to show how the people in the middle of it are coping, what they are going through...”

He stands and turns to look out the window. “That won’t be a popular article.”

Laura feels the anger that has been bubbling for the last week flair up the words feeling like bitter medicine on her tongue.

“My best friend, one of your employees _died_ and all you care about is _popularity?_ People need to know-”She has to fight hard not to start raging at him, her emotions raw and hot, angry tears threatening to spill down her face.

He whips round, astonishment on his face. “You don’t understand, how could you? You are just a child-” There it was that word she hates. _Child._

“I buried him. Yesterday. You weren’t there, you didn’t see- he was only a year older than me. I may be a child but it could be me next. It could be anyone.”

He sits down and shuffles the papers on his desk. “Fine. Write it. I won’t promise I’ll publish it though.”

She walks out of that office feeling like she just won a battle.

* * *

 

She heads down to the East Village. Harvey spent a lot of his time down there so she figured it was the best place to start. It’s another bitterly cold day, she wraps up well but even with two jumpers and a scarf she is freezing her ass off in half an hour. Pretty soon she realises she’s lost. She’s stumping up the same street for the fifth time when she spots a young woman perched on some fire escape steps, sketchpad and charcoal in hand.

“Hopefully she knows the area...” Laura mutters to herself rubbing her hands together her fingers burning with the cold.

“Um..hi.”

The woman doesn’t even look up. She is wearing a leather jacket over a red jumper, black jeans and a rather battered pair of boots, the face seems turned inward, lost to the world as if all that existed was the page in front of her and the beggar woman across the street, huddled in rags and plastic bags. Her eyes are a deep brown, just a few shades lighter than her hair. She looks thin...a little too thin in all honesty. Laura coughs quietly.

“I heard you the first time.”

Laura isn’t quite sure what to say. “Oh...well, I was just wondering if you could point me towards a bus stop.”

The woman makes a few more rough sketch marks then with a sigh puts the almost blunt piece of charcoal down. “Walk straight down this block then take a left. One on the corner.”

“Thank you.” She’s walking away when something inexplicably pulls her back.

“I thought you wanted to go to the bus stop.” The annoyance in her voice was palpable now.

“I was wondering if you could help me…” She watches the sharp edge of her jaw clench a little.

“I’m pretty sure I just did-”

“Look, I’m a journalist and I’m trying to get some information for an article I’m writing…”

“And I am an artist trying to draw so can you go away?” Laura pauses for a second. She wasn’t exactly sure how to broach this delicately.

“Do you know anyone who is living with AIDs or HIV?”

There is a long uncomfortable silence. The woman turns and looks at her, eyes as hard as steel. _“Go. Away.”_

“I was just-” The woman doesn’t turn away and Laura feels like there should be a hole in her face from the way those dark eyes are boring into her.

“I know _exactly_ what you were just doing. You have about as much tact as that trash can. _Give up and go home._ No-one wants to talk about that kind of shit.”

Laura turns and walks away but instead of catching the bus home like someone sensible she slips round the corner because there is just something about that woman...something hiding in those hard eyes Laura couldn’t quite put her finger on. And so she waits.

And waits.

And _waits_ and now it’s nearly dark and maybe she should just go home, try again tomorrow- “Hello there, cutie.”

Laura whips round and tall man in a dark woollen hat is leering over her. “You know...this is a dangerous place to be this time of night.” He’s so close he’s practically pinning her to the wall she was leaning around. She can smell the alcohol on his breath, see that his eyes are slightly unfocused.

“I’m...fine. Honestly, but ,uh, thanks for the concern.” She tries to smile politely and keep her voice light and pleasant but if she’s honest with herself she has never been more terrified.

“I could walk you home…” He’s far too close now and Laura brings up her hands, anything to keep him away. “No, no I’m fine honestly-” And his hand is closing around her upper arm like a vice. She’s just about to open her mouth to scream-

_THUNK._

The grip on her arm slackens and she tears it from his grasp and squirms away as far as she can get.

“What the fu-” He’s got one hand clamped on the back of his head, when he takes it away it’s covered in blood. Laura squints into the darkness of the alley. It was that woman from earlier. She doesn’t know what she hit him with but it was definitely hard.

“Hey! Dickhead! Go home. She’s not interested.”

He lurches towards her but in his drunken stupor she simply steps to one side and he ends up flat on his face, nose buried in the slush of half melted snow and mud. Without saying a word she walks towards Laura and grabs her wrist.

“ _This_ is why I told you to go home. It’s not safe, you’re don’t know what you’re getting yourself into-” Laura rips out of her grasp.

“Give me some credit. I know what I’m doing-” Laura pauses, chest heaving. “And thanks. For getting rid of him.”

She shrugs her shoulders. “You get used to it.”

She sounds nonchalant but all the same...Laura owes her one. “Have you eaten today?”

The loud gurgle Laura hears from the vicinity of the girl's stomach answers her question.

“Come on...I’ll buy you dinner. It’s the least I can do.”

* * *

 

Carmilla Karnstein (as Laura has discovered on the walk over) is a “starving artist” (her own words) and lives in a shabby apartment on the street where she draws most of her work. She’s asked to go to her usual haunt, The ABC Cafe, somewhere Harvey had mentioned to Laura a couple of times. It’s slightly haphazard inside but it’s warm and cheerful and that’s what mattered right now. For a while they don’t speak, Carmilla practically inhaling a soy burger and a plate of fries while Laura opts for the miso soup.

“So...about my article.”

Carmilla wipes some ketchup off her chin with her hand. “What about it?”

Laura puts down her spoon, determined to make a better job of asking this time. “It’s not what you think. I don’t want to write some sensationalist headline,” Laura swallows down the lump that comes to her throat when Harvey’s grinning face flashes behind her eyes. “I just lost a very dear friend. It was AIDs and...and I didn’t even know until after he was gone.”

Carmilla is silent, that pale face impassive, neutral.

“I want to write about what it’s like for the people living with it. I want people to see past the hysteria and see that there are real people behind those scary headlines, people with friends and lovers and family-”

“And you really think you’re doing anything to help? That you alone are going to stop my friends, my community dropping like flies?” It’s said with a snarl that makes Laura’s blood run cold.

“At least I’m trying to do something.” She watches Carmilla laugh mirthlessly, it’s a bitter and heartbroken sound. “Oh, are you trying your very best? Because I’m sure if you stay pure of heart and really believe that that’ll make a difference.”

Now Laura was _angry._

“Well, it’s better than sitting around all day pretending to be all cool and disaffected when really you’re just miserable and alone.”

She knows she’s gone too far this time when Carmilla stands, both hands on the table and hisses- “And you really think you’re doing a lick of actual good? Do you know anything about what it’s like to live with that fear breathing down your neck? You’re a _child_ , and you understand _nothing_. Not about _life,_ not about this _city,_ and certainly not about what it takes to survive in a world that– you know what? The sooner you stop playing Lois Lane, the better off you’ll be.”

She turns to leave and now Laura is on her feet shaking with rage.

“No.”

The incredulity in Carmillas face when she turns back to face Laura is almost funny.

“What?”

Laura is aware the whole place is staring at them. But she can’t bring herself to care. “No, I’m not just gonna give up. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am a child. A twenty three year old who had never left her home state before she got here. Who thought that New York was gonna be some big adventure full of articles to write, people to meet and parties to dance at. Who never thought anything bad could actually happen.” She has to fight the tears and the thickness in her throat because there is Harvey, dancing like an idiot to Madonna, spilling his drink down his shirt and they’re laughing and _laughing_ and- “Well, it turns out the world doesn’t work exactly how I thought it was going to. One of my best friends died and hardly anyone seems to care. So, maybe that’s just the way it is, but that does not mean that I have to accept it.”

Her shoulders are shaking with the effort of keeping it together, hands clenched in fists and chest heaving as she stares right into Carmilla’s astonished face. She waits for a retort and gets nothing. Whipping her pen out of her bag she scribbles her work number on the napkin.

“Call me if you want to help.”

And then she’s walking out into the cold night air, her breath freezing in her chest and sobs threatening to spill out of numb lips.

When she gets into work the next day she sees the usual red light flashing on her answering machine. She presses play and expects the usual barrage of requests from supervisors and co-workers. Instead she hears a shockingly familiar, low voice murmur;

“I changed my mind. Meet me at the ABC Cafe tomorrow at 2pm.”


	2. We'll See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Use of a homophobic slur and accidental misgendering.

She was late. Her supervisor hadn’t let her go on time because she needed Laura to go over _just one more article._

_Oh please let her be there, please for the love of -_

“Nice of you to turn up.”

_Oh thank God._

“Sorry, it was crazy at the office today-”

Carmilla turns away with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Whatever, follow me.”

For a moment Laura is confused, she’d thought that Carmilla wanted to talk in the Cafe but apparently they were going somewhere else.

“So, how are you today?”

Carmilla shrugs. “Well I’m currently freezing my ass off because somebody left me standing outside in the cold.”

Laura’s muttered I said I was sorry is apparently ignored because she’s being led up the same steps where Carmilla was sitting yesterday. Five flights llater and Laura is out of breath before stumbling inside a rusted metal door. When she’s got her breath back she realises it’s not much warmer in here than it is outside but the huge loft windows let in vast amounts of sunlight and she can see why Carmilla favours it as an artist The walls are covered in half finished canvases and empty paint pots, stained pallets littering the floor. Laura takes in the bed covered in several knitted blankets, the battered chest of drawers then a rather grimy sink, a decrepid fridge, the few cupboards and the hot plate on the far side of the room. A door leads off to what she presumes is the bathroom.

“Wow nice-”

“Don’t even bother. I know it’s a shithole but it’s home.”

Laura shuts her mouth, feeling incredibly awkward.

Carmilla sits down on a wooden box and pulls off her boots. One of her socks has a hole and Laura feels her heart twist in her chest. Picking up the charcoal Carmilla continues working on the picture Laura recognizes from yesterday.

“Do you have questions to ask me or are you just gonna stand there?”

Laura scrabbles in her bag for her notebook and perches delicately on the box closest to Carmilla.

Carmilla fights back the smirk on her face at just how uncomfortable Laura looks.

 _She doesn’t have a fucking clue_.

“I’m sorry I don’t have better furniture, Nancy Drew, it comes with the ‘starving artist’ territory.”

Laura decides to ignore the quip. She tells herself she is a serious journalist. Serious journalists do not respond to bratty remarks.

“How long have you known about HIV/AIDs?”

Carmilla’s jaw tightens slightly but she continues to sketch. “Same amount of time as most people. Those big scary headlines in 1981.”

Laura notes it down, remembering it too.The whispers at college of a _“fag disease”_. It was one of the reasons her father hadn't wanted her to come to New York, worried that she was _putting herself at risk_ , as if just by living in the same city as the virus made her vulnerable.

“And are you living HIV or AIDs yourself?”

“No.”

Laura tries not to let her face show surprise.

“I know. Hard to believe isn’t it?”

_Oh shit. She’d noticed._

“N-no..I mean..you don’t look like you-”

Carmilla puts down the charcoal stick dusting the powder off her fingers before picking up a piece of white chalk. “Do you want a shovel to help with the hole you're digging or maybe you should just get on with the questions before I kick you out of my shitty apartment?”

Laura decides not to push her luck. “Yes, of course. Uh...right. Who do you know that is currently suffering with AIDs or HIV?”

Suddenly Carmilla stands up and goes over to a rather battered space heater in the corner of the room. “Dammit. Still cut off.” Laura had to admit it was pretty chilly in here.

“I could help...if you like. I have enough m-” Carmilla turns to face her slowly and Laura knows she’s just fucked up.

“I didn’t ask you here so you can rub in the fact you have a well paid job. I don’t _need_ your help-”

Laura wants the ground to swallow her up.

“I didn’t say you did! I just thought I could-” She laughs that bitter, mirthless laugh again and it just gives Laura the _creeps._

“Thought what? You could turn up like a benevolent goddess-”

Laura stands up quickly backing away as Carmilla approaches her eyes blazing and she can’t help but notice how beautiful she looks when she’s angry.

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I won’t do it again. I promise.”

Carmilla glares at her for about twenty agonizing seconds, hands curled into fists before she sits down and starts to draw again. Laura sits down once again and was just about to pick up her notebook when there’s a rhythmic pattern of knocks on the door. Carmilla’s face instantly splits into a grin, Laura realises it’s the first time she has ever seen her smile, and she’s all but _scampering_ to the door.

“LaF! Perry! Get in here!” She slides back the door and two grinning people stumble in, wrapped up well against the cold.

They are both ginger, one has a mass of ringlets, the other a buzz cut, the fringe a little over long.

“So, is this the irritating journalist you were telling us all about?” The one with the buzz cut seems to give her an appraising look. “You’re right. She is tiny.”

_“LaF, behave!”_

The other woman smacks them playfully on the arm.

_Wait...Laugh? Was she hearing things?_

Catching Laura’s confused look Carmilla finally decides on a proper introduction. “Laura, this is LaFontaine and Lola Perry.”

Perry waves with a bright smile and LaF flashes a peace sign her way.

“Check out what we just got!” LaFontaine pulls out a small black box. “This bad boy is my beeper. Reminds me every four hours to take the wonder drug!”

_She has AIDs._

Carmilla sits down at her easel again. “You asked me if I knew anyone with HIV? There’s your answer.”

Laura waits for the uncomfortable silence but it doesn’t come. “Yup,I asked it to leave a couple of times but it obviously likes me so much it decided to stick around.” LaF explains with a grin.

Meanwhile, Perry has started pulling out containers of food and grabs a few mugs from Carmilla’s cupboard. “I made veggie soup. We figured you’d be cold. Still no luck with getting turned back on?”

Carmilla rolls her shoulders and cracks her neck. “Nope. I’m still waiting to hear about that commission. That should bring enough cash to pay off my dopey power company.” She gratefully takes the cup of soup and sips it carefully.

Laura feels like she’s on the outside looking in...she supposes she is. She has never known a life like this, never known what it was to be cold, or hungry. Never had to worry about where she would find the rent, or how she would pay her bills. She feels a little sick at just how naive she is.

Several mugs of piping hot soup later, everyone seems in a far better mood and blessing upon blessing LaFontaine has agreed to be interviewed.

“Alrighty then, just let me fill out your profile. So you’re twenty five, female-”

“Uh...no actually.”

And Laura thought today couldn’t get anymore awkward.

“Oh so you’re ma-”

“Nope.”

_Wait. What?_

“I’m neither. I’m just LaFontaine.” Laura tries very hard to understand….she doesn’t.

“Careful LaF, you might give her a headache” Carmilla calls from her work station, a smudge of charcoal on her nose.

LaF chuckles, obviously amused at Laura’s confusion. “I like to hang out somewhere between the two. So I’d prefer it if you called me they or them.”

Laura still doesn’t get it but she figures she’s made enough faux pas for one day and she’s sure that she’ll get used to it eventually.

Noting it down, Laura starts on the questions. LaF is the first person she’s met that doesn’t seem ashamed of their condition.The things she finds out are they have had HIV for six months and contracted it from a one night stand. She’s not sure if LaF and Perry are a couple. She wonders what it would be like...having a relationship with someone HIV positive. Surely it was risky? Laura decides to put that question out of her mind for now because she knows she’s on thin ice as it is.

Pretty soon, darkness sets in.

“For fucks sake. I can’t work like this.”

Carmilla squints briefly at the drawing before throwing the chalk onto the floor. “Wanna go out and get hammered? May as well spend my last bit of cash on something worthwhile.”

“We’ll go out but the doctor said no more getting totally off my face. They don’t know if it will affect AZT yet.” LaF is clearly trying to keep upbeat but there is a sadness behind their eyes and Laura can’t help but feel bad for them.

Perry curls an arm around LaF’s shoulders and squeezes. “Hey, come on. We can still have fun! Laura would you like to come along?”

Laura ignores Carmillas groan of disgust.

She didn’t have work tomorrow so why not?

“Yes please. I’d like that.”

* * *

 

Laura is beginning to wonder why Carmilla doesn’t just move into the ABC Cafe. She practically _lives_ here.

“Danny! Your best table please!” A waitress Laura hasn’t seen before pulls LaF into a one armed hug.

Yikes. She’s tall.

“And who is this?” She holds out her hand and Laura shakes it politely.

“I’m-”

“A total pain in the ass” she turns and scowls at Carmilla whose smirking all over her frustratingly gorgeous face.

“I’m Laura Hollis.”

Danny giggles, apparently finding Carmillas antics amusing “Don’t worry. If she’s mean to you it means that she likes you.”

Carmilla swats at Danny with her scarf. “Oh shut up, skyscraper, get us some drinks.”

“See what I mean?” And with a final wink and a grin, Danny salutes them all before heading to the bar. Perry leads them to a corner booth and Laura squeezes between LaF and Carmilla trying to look more comfortable than she feels.

“So how long have you been in NYC Hollis?” LaF asks pulling off their hat sending snowflakes flying.

“Only about six months. First time I’ve ever been out of my state.” She ignores Carmillas _yeah, we can tell_ and actually ends up managing to have a half decent conversation without accidentally insulting someone. Another alarmingly tall person turns up with the drinks. She finds out his name is Wilson Kirsch (known only by the latter...apparently people like to go by their last names around here).

Suddenly she hears what sounds like her alarm clock and she’s momentarily confused before she sees LaF pull out their beeper.

“Huh...it’s not me.”

They all look up. Kirsch is bright red. What follows are the most painfully silent moments Laura has ever experienced.

“Kirsch..I...we didn’t-” Carmilla starts to stutter.

He puts down the bottles of beer with shaking hands.

“N-no..it’s cool. I only found out last week. Danny...Danny’s been really good about it. She even gave me time off to pick my beeper up yesterday.”

LaF squeezes his arm.

“It’ll be ok man. You just gotta take each day. I’m going to Life Support tomorrow, you should come.”

He nods once and Laura can see from the tightness in his jaw he is trying hard not to cry. After he’s gone they sit in awkward silence. It takes another two round of beers (Laura paid for the last one) before things are relaxed again. After that the evening becomes a blur of LaFontaine's awful puns, Carmilla cracking inappropriate jokes and Perry fussing over LaF. They seem tired and when they knock over a whole glass of coke she puts her foot down.

“We’re heading back.” Carmilla pouts across the table but Perry will not be swayed. “Carmilla stop it. The doctor said rest was important.”

LaF stands, mopping at the stain on their shirt, “my captain has spoken. Peace out!” They blow Carmilla a kiss and wave to Laura before following Perry with an expression that could only be described as adoring.

“Looks like it’s just you and me cupcake.”

_Cupcake? Where did that come from?_

She drains her bottle and stands, stretching a little, her shirt riding up her stomach. Laura tries very hard not to stare but apparently Carmilla doesn’t seem to notice as she makes her way to the bathroom.

“Danny! Two more beers please!”

“Hey.” Danny puts down two opened beers and sits down, there’s a long silence and she seems to be searching for words. “If you’re Laura Hollis...that means you knew Harvey. Am I right?”

Laura fights the tremble in her lip and she nods. “Yeah...yeah I did. We worked together. I went to his funeral.” She swallows down _he was my best friend_ with her beer.

“He spoke about you a lot. Said you made his life at work a lot happier.”

Laura knew what she meant. He was regularly blanked by the male staff and while a lot of people were willing to use him for help he was never invited to office parties. She can see them chatting in the staff kitchen over coffee now, his eyes shining as he puts an extra sugar in her mug to make her ‘extra sweet’. She digs her knuckles into the edge of the table. _She isn’t going to cry, she isn’t going to-_

Danny sighs heavily. “He was dating Kirsch.”

Laura frowns a little confused “I didn’t see him at the funeral.”

Biting her lip Danny seems to be bracing herself for what she was about to say. “They turned him away...from the church door. He was there the night he died, never left his bedside and then they told him he wasn’t wanted.” That soft voice is shaking with suppressed rage and for some strange reason Laura feels guilty.

“I’m sorry...I didn’t-”

Danny cuts her off, a warm hand on top of hers. “Of course you didn’t. I was the one who persuaded Kirsch to go and get checked. It was inevitable really.”

She watches Danny walk away her heart sinking to her boots.

_Dear God could this get any worse?_

* * *

 

Laura did not foresee the evening ending with walking a very drunk Carmilla home, slipping on slush and trying to get her not to sing so loudly when most of New York is trying to sleep.

“Shhhh. Come on we’re nearly back.”

“Don’t you….don’t you tell me to shhh, _creampuff_.”

How on earth was she going to get her up the steps? And suddenly she’s on the floor. With Carmilla on top of her.

“Ouch! Be careful-”

“Haha….I slipped.”

Laura wishes she was in her apartment right now with a hot chocolate and her notes. But no. Instead she was lying in the middle of the street, snow and god knows what else soaking into her coat with a very drunk (albeit very pretty) girl practically sitting on top of her. Somehow she gets them both up and in another ten minutes they are standing outside the door of Carmilla’s apartment, while Laura tries to open the lock with numb fingers.

“What’s...taking you so long? I’m freezing...I can’t feel my face!” Carmilla is swaying ever so slightly on the spot, apparently enjoying watching Laura struggle.

Finally the key slides into the lock and they are staggering through the door. The apartment was so cold now they may as well have still been outside and on top of that it was almost pitch black. If it wasn’t for the orange streetlight streaming windows Laura wouldn’t have been able to see a thing. Without a word Carmilla pulls a metal trash can from beside her work station and piles cardboard and scraps of paper inside it. She grabs a box of matches from the table, lights one and drops it in. Laura flinches as it goes up with a whoosh of smoke and flames.

“That should stop us from freezing to death anyway…”

Laura wonders exactly how safe it was to set up a fire having had about six beers but it had to be better than getting hypothermia. Carmilla sits on her bed and tries to undo her boots. Apparently it’s too much effort so she kicks them off still laced and flops back on the bed. “Are you gunna get into bed or do you want to sleep on the floor?”

 _Wait_. She wants Laura to stay the night? One minute she hates her guts the next she wants to share a bed.

Laura approaches timidly, shedding her own shoes and coat but keeping the rest of her clothes on before sliding under the blankets. When Carmilla rolls over to face her she can smell turpentine, beer and something else that she can’t quite put her finger on.

“You know...you know the friend I told you about? The reason I’m doing this?” She gets a grunt in response. “His name was Harvey Williams. Did you know him?”

There’s a long pause and when Carmilla speaks her voice sounds softer. “Yes. Yes I did. We all did.”

The tears Laura has been holding back all day suddenly burst their seams. “He...he was my best friend. And I miss him. I miss him so much.”

“Well tough titties Hollis.”

She doesn’t know what she expected. But it definitely wasn’t that.

 _“What the fuck Carmilla_!?” She hisses and she’s surprised at the venom in her voice,“I’m not allowed to be sad someone I love is dead?!”

She is so close to getting out of this bed and walking all the way home, ice and snow and potential death be damned.

“Oh yeah. You can be sad. Your self pity party is pathetic though.” Laura wants to shake her. Wants to shake the boredom out of her voice. Instead she lies there and says nothing, tears soaking into the pillow.

“You think you are the only person to have lost someone? You aren’t special Laura. That’s the one thing AIDs has taught me. No-one is special. You can love someone as much as you like, they can be a genius, an artist, a parent, a friend...a lover. And still it takes them away.”

Laura feels rather than hears the heavy sigh.

“Her name was Elle. Stubborn, fiesty, always wanted to see the best in the world. I loved her more than life itself.” Carmilla was speaking to herself more than anything else, her voice wistful and far away.

“She was a heroin addict. It didn’t change how I felt about her. But it hurt to watch her crave it. Need it. It took a long time but she got to a point where she didn’t want to live like that anymore. She knew it was killing her. I spent nearly everything I had getting her into rehab and then just as we were getting free of the withdrawal, she got sick.”

Laura wants to reach out and take Carmilla’s hand. She sounded so lost and alone, trapped inside painful memories.

“There wasn’t AZT then so it was a matter of waiting for the inevitable. _I had to watch her die_. Watch _it_ take her away from me. So don’t lie there and pretend like you know how I feel. Don’t pretend that your grief is any more radical than mine or Kirsch’s. The dead don’t need tears. It’s us. The ones left behind.”

Laura can hear the pain in her voice. She can’t even fathom how awful it must have been.

“Carmilla...I..” There is nothing to say.

The bed sinks as Carmilla rolls over.

“You remind me of her.”

And then Carmilla’s asleep.


	3. And New Lease You Are My Love

 The rest of November passes in a blur of interviews, meeting up at the ABC for drinks and endless Christmas articles.Laura swears if she has to write another word about the _Top Ten Christmas Gifts_ or _What to Buy Your Partner This Year!_ she may throw her typewriter out the window.

Her desk is on the tenth floor.

She travels home for Christmas Eve and her dad is concerned at how thin and tired she looks. He asks who she’s spending time with, what time she was getting to bed, how much she was drinking. The answers to those questions were Carmilla, never before midnight and entirely too much. What she told him was _just some girls at work, ten pm sharp_ and _only a little._

It’s alarming just how much she misses Carmilla.They’d gone from awkward dislike to...well Laura doesn’t know really. Sometimes there is still tension, pauses in conversation, accidental contact...and something hangs between them, silent and heavy. A few times it almost looked like Carmilla wanted to _eat_ her.

She feels a little guilty at how happy she is to be going back on the twenty seventh. Her home town is too quiet, too drowsy, too calm. She needs the hectic noise and harshness of New York. She needs Carmilla.

When she’s stomping up the steps to Carmilla’s apartment once again it feels like her heart is dancing in her chest. Rapping her knuckles on the door, she waits, not even getting “Hi!” out of her mouth before LaF has her wrapped in a bone crushing hug.

“Hollis! Finally!” When they let go Laura has to massage her ribs.

“How is everyone?”

“Come in and see for yourself.”

LaF leads her inside and to her surprise it’s actually _warm_. Perry, Danny and Kirsch all wrap her in hugs but there is only one person she really wants to see. Carmilla is sat at her easel, she’s working in paint this time, it’s a painting of a couple on a bench in what Laura recognises as Central Park. She’s got a streak of blue on her cheek, her hands are covered in black and there are patches of white in her hair. To Laura she has never looked more beautiful.

“Hey.”

Carmilla makes a few final brush marks before turning with a calm smile. “Hey.” She wipes her hands on a rag before linking her fingers through Laura’s and squeezing.

Laura tries to ignore the tingles that explode along her skin when her thumb strokes the back of her hand. “You got turned back on then?”

Carmilla chuckles. “Yeah. I got two commissions, this is one of them.”

“It’s lovely.”

There it was. That tension. All she can look at right now are Carmilla’s lips and wonder what it would be like to kiss her.

“Ahem.”

Annnd it’s gone.

LaF is smirking and Perry looks quietly amused. “When you two have stopped mooning over each other we wanted to discuss our plans for New Years Eve.”

* * *

 

 

Laura has only been to Times Square once before and she can honestly say she didn’t enjoy the experience.

She’s just so _short._

Crowds are not her friend and if there is anywhere in New York that meant teeming crowds it was Times Square. Yet this time, she feels safe. Danny and Kirsch keep an eye out for her and Carmilla keeps her close to her side, one hand firmly on her hip. They’ve all dressed up in their finery (laura may have spent more time than she cares to admit staring at Carmilla’s ass in those leather trousers) and are currently sitting in the quietest corner they could find.

Laura managed to get her hands on a bottle of champagne. Ok, it’s cheap and in LaF’s words “god-awful” but watching Carmilla swig it from the bottle, a little dribbling down her chin makes Laura’s stomach twist in the most delightful way. Perry is sat on LaF's lap as they animatedly talk to Kirsch about a new song they are writing, tenderly brushing their fringe back every so often. The look on Perry’s face makes Laura feel like someone stabbed her. It’s part love, part amusement but there is something resembling deep pain behind her eyes.They’d all noticed it. LaF was getting tired, coughing fits becoming more and more frequent. It shouldn’t have been happening with the AZT but LaF always puts a brave face on, says they need to stop fussing.

Suddenly Danny is standing on tiptoe almost knocking Carmilla off the bollard she was sitting on. “Hey look! The countdown’s started! Let’s go!”

They all scramble to their feet and head to the centre of the square. It’s packed and Laura feels a little panicky but then Carmilla’s arm is around her shoulders and absurdly she feels like she’s home.

10

Their eyes meet and Laura takes her in. The flush from the cold in her cheeks, the curls falling haphazard around her face, the way those deep brown eyes flick down to Laura’s lips.

9

It’s like she’s seeing her for the first time. That bitterly cold day, grief still raw in her chest, that angry, secretive woman who told her to go away.

8

Now they are sharing a bed, the pain, the isolation in her voice when she spoke about Ell, the scent of stale beer and unshed tears.

7

It’s a bright cold morning and all of them are making snowmen in Central Park and she’s stealing Laura’s hat to put on their joint effort, and laughing until she cries.

6

LaF is coughing in the bathroom and they share worried looks, united in their fear. Laura takes Carmilla’s hand and for the first time Carmilla doesn’t snatch it away.

5

Carmilla is grinning at her from behind an easel, a smudge of charcoal on her nose.

4

Laura brings Carmilla a coffee to warm her hands while she draws outside. When Carmilla kisses her cheek in thanks it burns.

3

They are so close together now, Laura swears her heart is going to burst out of her chest.

2

Carmilla’s hand is on her cheek.

1

And then they’re kissing.

Laura doesn’t care about the fireworks in the sky because she has her own private display behind her eyes.She slides her hands into Carmilla’s hair and pulls her closer. This is the first time she has ever kissed a woman and it feels so _right_. When they pull away, Carmilla rests her forehead on Laura’s and whispers, “happy new year Laura.”

Instead of replying she kisses her again.

* * *

 

 

They have to put up with LaF and Danny’s teasing the whole way back. But Laura doesn't care, Carmilla’s hand is squeezing hers tightly and every so often she shoots her a shy glance that makes Laura melt. When they arrive at Carmilla’s apartment, Carmilla turns round and glares at their friends. Laura represses the urge to giggle.

“Ok, ok sheesh!” LaF chuckles. “We know when we’re not wanted.”

Danny gives Laura a final wink and she watches the four of them disappear round the corner.

“Do you want to come up?” Carmilla’s pulling out her keys and worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. Laura doesn’t think she’s ever seen her look,well, _nervous_ before. It's actually a little flattering.

“Yes, please.” She’s surprised at just how confident she sounds. She’s pretty sure what’s going to happen,she hasn’t been in this situation before, naive provincial girl and all that jazz. The smile that Carmilla gives her is so beautiful that Laura just has to kiss her again. This time it’s laced with passion and when her teeth nip (albeit a little clumsily) at Carmilla’s lower lip she moans into her mouth.

Carmilla pulls away, breathing heavily now and before Laura knows it she’s being dragged up the stairs, boots clanging noisily on the metal. Once they're inside Carmilla wastes no time in shedding her coat and hat, before her hands are on Laura’s zip and deft fingers are sliding the material off her shoulders. The reality of what might be about to happen hits Laura like a freight train. Carmilla is cupping her cheek and she can’t help but lean into the warm touch and press a kiss to her palm.

“You are so beautiful Laura.” Carmilla’s voice is so soft and sincere, Laura feels her heart skip a beat.

“You are too,” she whispers pulling her in for another kiss. The next thing she knows she’s being walked backwards to the bed where she lands with a soft thump on the blankets. Carmilla is straddling her now and Laura feels like there are too many layers of clothes between them. She reaches up and starts to pull up Carmillas sweater, desperate to feel bare skin under her hands. Carmilla pulls it off, throwing it to the floor and now she’s looking down at Laura through heavily lidded eyes and starts to unbutton Laura's shirt.

“Carmilla..wait, I-” And she puts her hands over the fumbling fingers on her chest. She doesn’t know where these sudden nerves have come from. She knows she doesn’t want to stop but at the same time she feels like Carmilla should know she isn’t...experienced.

“Yes?” Carmilla looks up and Laura swears she could stare into those dark eyes for ever.

“I haven’t…” she gestures down her body finding the words difficult, “done... this before.”

Carmilla sits back looking a little surprised...“Oh...do you want to stop?” Laura can’t think of anything worse than stopping, not with Carmillas soft weight on her thighs, her flushed cheeks and swollen lips, not with the way she’s looking at her like she is the only woman in the world.

“No! God, no. I just thought I should tell you.”

Carmilla gives her that look again. The one that makes her feel like a canape. “In that case, I am going to make sure tonight's a night you don’t forget, Laura Hollis.”

She doesn’t get chance to reply before Carmilla’s mouth is on hers again, those nimble fingers continuing to unbutton her shirt. It seems like a matter of seconds before she’s naked from the waist up and Carmilla is touching her like she’s made of glass, gentle fingers tracing the curves of her hips and the sharp lines of her collar bones before cupping her breasts and squeezing gently.

A soft moan escapes Laura's lips and her back arches into the touch as Carmilla bends her head down to press kisses along her jaw then her neck, sucking briefly at her pulse point just to make her gasp. As she starts to kiss the underside of Laura’s breasts Carmilla brings her thigh between her legs and presses, feeling the smaller girl's hips grind down in response.The soft whimper that escapes her lips is beautiful and Carmilla wants to hear it again so she takes a hard nipple into her mouth and sucks, and there it was again, higher pitched and more desperate, as fingers tangle into her hair and press her against the chest under her mouth. She lavishes Laura’s breasts with a gentle mouth determined to drive her crazy with the attention before trailing lazy kisses down her stomach.

“Oh God, Carmilla please…” Laura presses a hand over her eyes as Carmilla tugs at the zip on her jeans.

“All in good time, sweetness.” Laura decides that the low chuckle that just came from Carmilla’s lips should be illegal because anymore of that and she was going to _die._

Soon Laura’s jeans and panties join the rest of her clothes on the floor and Carmilla takes a second just to look at the gorgeous woman laid out beneath her. If she could have gone back in time and told herself in three months this is where she would be she would have laughed in her own face. And yet here she was. About to give Laura Hollis the best damn orgasm of her life. She thinks she might tease her just a little, as her lips find the sensitive spots of Laura’s inner thighs but then she smells Laura’s arousal and she just cant help herself. She traces her tongue over slick folds making Laura squirm and sob. She tastes incredible and when she circles Laura’s clit before sucking it gently, the fingers in her hair tangle even further and press her down, clearly desperate for more.

“ _Oh_...right there.”

There's a heel pressing into her back and Laura’s pulling a little too hard on her hair. It couldn’t be anymore perfect. She grabs hold her Laura’s hips and pulls her up to her mouth, teasing a finger around her entrance, asking permission.

“Yes... _yes_...please, so close.”

That was the last coherent thing Laura said for quite some time. Carmilla thinks she catches broken gasps of her name and strangled versions of fuck in there somewhere as she curls one then two fingers inside her. She can feel slick muscles fluttering around her fingers and with one last flick of her tongue over Laura’s clit she comes undone under her mouth and Laura swears that it feels like she’s breaking open, that she’s never felt so beautiful in her whole life. The next thing she knows is Carmilla’s cheek resting on her stomach, eyes crinkled in a smile.

“Hey.”

It takes Laura a few seconds to get her breath back before she pushes Carmilla’s hair out of her face and responds. “Hey.”

Absurdly Laura wants to laugh, it feels like she’s been set free, like some awful weight has left her shoulders. She watches Carmilla stand and strip off, giggling when she nearly falls over pulling off those ridiculous leather pants. Despite having just come she feels her thighs clench at the site of a naked Carmilla, pale and glorious in the moonlight.

“Come here.”

And then they are face to face, Carmilla’s nose nudging hers as Laura pulls her closer. She kisses her deeply and she thinks she should be grossed out by the taste of herself on Carmilla’s lips, but she’s not, if anything it’s sexy and now all she wants to do is return the favour...It can’t be that hard right?

Her first touches are tentative, she feels like she wants to spend hours just tracing her fingers over Carmilla flawless skin, the fact that she gets to touch her like this blowing her mind. She slides a fingertip over a soft pink nipple amazed at the way it hardens under her touch, the way Carmilla’s mouth dropped open slightly when she pinched it. She grazes her teeth over Carmilla’s collarbone learning the spots that made her gasp and moan into Laura’s mouth. Her hands finding the places that made her hips back and her back arch before finally, finally sliding between her legs. Laura swallows hard. Carmilla is soaking wet and did _she_ do that? She presses her forehead against Carmilla’s and watches the pleasure flicker through her eyes as she explores again, before she feels a hand curl around her wrist.

“Please...” Carmilla’s voice is low and desperate and Laura lets herself be guided, fingertips pressing circles over Carmilla’s clit. Very soon she is panting against her shoulder, and Laura lets her fingers work faster and faster feeling Carmilla’s whole body tense before she comes hard, shuddering violently with Laura’s name on her lips.

They lay like that for a while legs tangled together, sharing gentle kisses before the sweat cools on their skin and they are forced under the blankets. As she lies there, feeling Carmilla’s heart beating under her cheek, Laura realises that her home was right here.  


	4. Life Is Yours To Miss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Misgendering, use of the f slur, homophobic/transphobic sentiments, drug use mention, mention of physical abuse.

Laura curses the subway to hell and back. She was meant to meet LaF outside the community centre twenty minutes ago but it was so crowded she’d missed two trains. By the time she finally gets there she’s out of breath, sweating and undoubtedly bright red in the face. She staggers up the steps and leans against the door for a second. She’d been a little bit unsure about coming along to LaF’s _Life Support_ meeting but there was the chance for more interviews to see how other people lived with their condition.

Kirsch had been dealing far better since LaF had taken him under their wing, he’d lost that permanently bewildered look and didn’t turn scarlet whenever his beeper went off and LaF? Well they just took each day as it came and lived it to the full. Laura often wonders how she would cope if it were her. She thinks she probably wouldn’t.

She turns the handle on the door and finds herself feeling nervous. She doesn’t know why, it’s not like it was anything scary.

“There’s only us-” She’s walked in at the worst possible moment.

They all turn and look at her, Kirsch and LaF give her a friendly wave but it does nothing to resolve the tension in the room.

“Oh. Have you come to join the group?” The leaders smile is friendly and warm but Laura feels her eyes go wide and then her mouth seems to work of its own accord.

“Oh-I’m not...I’m just here to, I don’t have….” _Oh my God what is she saying?_

She watches LaF fighting hard not to giggle at her obvious discomfort. “Laura. I’m Laura. Did LaF mention I’d be coming?” _Good save._

“Ah, yes. Please do sit down.”

She sits next to Kirsch and he gives her a sympathetic grin. The others in the group don’t look at her so warmly.

“Does anyone want to say anything?”

A young woman, face painfully drawn raises her hand. “I tried to tell my father I was living with HIV this weekend.I couldn’t do it.”

Laura swallows hard. She was struggling to be honest with her father too. The last few weeks with Carmilla had been blissful. She rushed therestraight after work, even if it was only to sit and watch her paint or sketch for a few hours before they tumbled into bed together. She pushes the memory of Carmilla gasping her name away. She so badly wants to tell her father she’s found someone who makes her happy. She wants to tell the world. She didn’t know she was such a coward.

“We have to protect ourselves sometimes, Pam. To live with HIV or AIDs we need a support network, above all else protect your heart.”

Laura raises her hand heart beating rather quickly. “Would anyone mind if I took notes? It’s for an article I’m writing about people living with HIV or AIDs. I would change any names-”

Suddenly a young man is on his feet, eye blazing. “What the fuck LaFontaine?! She’s a reporter? You said she was just a friend.”

“She is a friend! She’s trying to help-” Laura has never seen LaF look that angry before. It’s a little chilling.

“Help how? By displaying us like freaks? People to be pitied. “Oh no look at the poor little fags and drug addicts, they are so brave knowing that at some point they’re bodies are going to give up and die.” You know what? I’m done with this shit.”

He kicks his chair away and stalks out, slamming the door behind him. Laura feels like she’s been slapped round the face.In a way it would almost have been less painful than hearing the fear and rage in his voice. She’s outstayed her welcome. She leans down to put her notepad away.

“Maybe I should go-” But there’s a hand on her wrist and she knows it’s Not LaF’s because she can’t feel the calloused fingertips.

“Stay. People need to know our stories.” It’s Pam, who gives her a watery smile. “Gordon has just been diagnosed. He’s still angry.”

Laura sits down, takes out her notebook and waits.

There is a long awkward silence before another woman, voice quiet but strong begins to speak. “I had a bad day yesterday-”

She starts to write.

* * *

 

 

When they arrive at Carmilla’s it’s with chinese take-out. Carmilla greets her by practically snatching the cartons out of her hands.

“Took you long enough.” She’s already halfway across the room to grab cutlery.

Laura is quietly amused and maybe a _little_ pissed off.

“Hi honey! So nice to see you! How was your day?” It takes all of five seconds for Carmilla to catch on. She all but runs back across the room sweeping Laura into her arms and kissing the top of her head. “Sorry cupcake. I’m just really hungry.”

Laura giggles and tilts her face up for a kiss which Carmilla gladly gives her, while LaF makes gagging noises behind them.

“Oh shut up.” grumbles Carmilla still pressing kisses to Laura’s face.

LaF completes the job Carmilla had started, grabbing cutlery and handing them out as they sit on the mismatched wooden boxes Carmilla uses as chairs. “I’ll shut up when you two stop being totally gross in front of me.” They roll their eyes when Carmilla feeds Laura a bite of her sweet and sour. “See what I mean Kirsch? This is what we have to put up with. It’s enough to put you off your food...”

After LaF and Kirsch are gone, Carmilla pulls out a pad of paper and pencil. “Sit down. I wanna draw you.”

Laura feels her heart (that’s felt like lead ever since that awful moment when Gordon walked out) lift. “Can I go over my notes while you do?”

Carmilla nods lifting Laura’s hand to her lips and pressing a chaste kiss to her knuckles. Laura fumbles in her bag for a second before propping herself up with pillows and starting to read through. It was pretty heartbreaking stuff.

Ali was the first person she met that had HIV due to a contaminated blood transfusion, yet when she told her friends and family of her status they all cut her off. Presuming she was either on drugs or having promiscuous sex.

Steve was only seventeen. He turned to drugs to escape his life at home, listening to his father abuse his mother. When he found out he’d contracted HIV he had run away, frightened of what would happen to him. He was still using heroin.

She puts down her pen and swallows back the tears. The emotions of the day finally catching up.

“Hey, hey, hey. What's up?” She allows Carmilla to pull her into a tight hug, burying her face in her soft sweet smelling hair.

“I just feel so bad for them.”

Carmilla sits back a little to look at her. “Feel bad for who?”

Laura wipes her cheeks with the sleeve of her jumper. “The people at the Life Support meeting. They have so much to deal with and I couldn’t do any-” She stops talking.

Carmilla’s eyes have gone slightly cold and she knows she’s said something bad.

“You just don’t get it, do you? You are not meant to “do” anything, Laura.” The sigh that leaves Carmilla’s lips is heavy and exhausted “You are not some superhero who can save them.The last thing they need is your pity.”

Laura knows she’s right. “I can’t deal with how helpless it makes me feel-”

“How helpless it makes _you_ feel?” Carmilla gets off the bed and turns away, obviously trying to keep her temper.

“You need to stop thinking about yourself so much Laura.”

“I’m not-”

“ _Yes you are._ The only reason you’re writing this article is because Harvey died. Ask yourself. If you hadn't been friends with him would you be here right now? If AIDs hadn’t come into your life would you have entered this world? Or would you still be sitting pretty in your apartment with your steady job and regular income?”

Laura can’t stand Carmilla talking to her like this. It’s like that first night in the ABC cafe, when she had called her child, told her she knew nothing. Laura is only just starting to realise how right Carmilla was. “I’m...I’m sorry. I’ve never thought about it like that.”

She watches Carmilla’s shoulders drop. “No. I know you haven’t.”

“I’ve got a lot to learn. I know I have. But at least I’m willing to try. Isn’t that enough?” She tries to keep the tremble out of her voice but she can’t. She feels so pathetic.

“Yes. Yes it is.” Carmilla sits back down on the bed she looks at her for a long moment.

“I promise I’ll try harder.”

When Carmilla pulls her into a hug she knows it’s going to be ok. That she’s allowed to make mistakes as long as she learns from them. She’s learned more in this apartment from this beautiful woman than four years in college ever taught her.

* * *

 

January turns to February turns to March and Laura doesn’t know where the time has gone. LaF demands a group outing so Perry makes a picnic to eat for lunch (seeing as the weather is so much milder) after they’ve visited the Guggenheim and it feels like it’s going to be a perfect day.

Laura takes it as an opportunity to forget that her boss is breathing down her neck. She hasn’t finished her article yet. She doesn’t even know how to start it, let alone end it. Pages and pages of interviews and research, sitting on her desk. Sometimes it feels like the eyes of the people she’s spoken to are staring at her through the paper, willing her to write.

The sun is shining, and despite the crowds Laura feels relaxed. LaF is bubbly and talkative and it seems to cheer everyone up. They’ve seemed drained and quiet lately, the brightness of their eyes dulled and the worry on Perry’s face is heartbreaking to see. But today they are both smiling, hands linked as they head down the steps to the subway.

“Damn we’ve only got two minutes to get the next one-”

“Another one will be round soon we don’t need to rush-” Perry’s tone is warning but LaF isn’t listening. “Race you Hollis!”

And they both take off, the others reluctantly jogging after. Laura can see the platform and the train is pulling up, she gives one last burst of speed and she’s there just as the doors open.

“Hah I beat you! LaF, you're such a-”

LaF isn’t there.

Perry’s scream of horror fills Laura with so much dread she feels hollow.

_“LaFontaine!”_

She doesn’t want to turn round, but she has to and her feet are moving her faster than they ever have before. LaF is flat on their back, white as a sheet, trying to breathe but all they can manage is a desperate wheeze.

“LaF, stay with me! _Oh God, please!_ Breathe, baby, just breathe!” Perry’s is lifting Laf’s head onto her knees, pushing that overlong fringe out of their face. She looks at Laura terror stricken. 

 _“_ _Help me!”_

Laura can’t do anything but get on her knees beside Perry and grasp LaF’s trembling fingers. Carmilla, Danny and Kirsch are there now and it takes Danny a split second to take in what's happening before turning to run for help.

“Just keep breathing LaF, it’s gonna be ok...you’re going to be alright. Just _breathe._ Everything is going to be fine.”

But the moment Laura feels LaF’s fingers go limp in her hand she knows it’s going to be anything but.

* * *

 

Many hours later, after endless cups of coffee, awful silences, and sitting on plastic chairs, the doctor _finally_ walks in.

“Are you Susan’s friends?”

Laura feels her jaw clench, watches Perry turn an almost blank gaze at the doctor. “Yes. We are LaFontaine's friends.” It’s the first words she’s said in five hours. She’s been staring at the wall since they arrived, refusing food and drink.

“Well she’s stable now. You can see her.”

Perry stands still disturbingly calm. “What's wrong?”

The doctor sighs and murmurs “I would sit down again before I tell you.”

Laura thinks she is going to throw up.

Perry sit’s down, her whole body rigid. “It’s Pneumocystis Pneumonia and it's very advanced. Why didn’t you bring her in sooner?”

No-one answers. They had tried. But LaF just said they were making a fuss, that they were tired, that it was just the smog.

“We’ve got her on a nebuliser and an antibiotic drip…”

Carmilla looks up tears in her eyes and Laura squeezes her hand. “So they’re gonna be fine, right? Antibiotics..antibiotics will get rid of it?”

The doctor tucks his clipboard under his arm. “I would prepare yourself for the worst. Her T-cells are very low-”

“But the AZT-” now it was Kirsch and there was fear in his eyes.

“Can only do so much. She’s in the room at the end of the corridor”.

They watch him walk away before they half walk half run down the corridor. LaF is tucked into a bed, a nebuliser mask hiding their mouth. They look drawn and so pale their almost as white as the sheets on the bed. They’re asleep, still wheezing lightly.

 _“Oh, LaFontaine_.” Perry is the first one to their bedside taking the hand that was half hanging off the edge. “Why didn’t you listen to us.” And then she starts to cry. Heartbreaking sobs that make Laura want to run from the room. Instead she settles for sliding down the wall and burying her face in her lap, Carmilla joins her a second later.

“H-hey...let’s...let’s have none of that.”

LaF’s eyes are open, their voice is muffled by the nebuliser but Laura can see the crinkles around their eyes that means they are smiling.

* * *

 

 

Laura pays. LaF and Perry can’t afford health insurance and yes it means she’s a little tight on cash but she doesn’t care. The doctors outright told them last week that all they could offer was palliative nursing and pain relief. That night Perry stayed over at Carmilla’s. She didn’t sleep. She just sat and looked into the darkness and tried to imagine a life without LaFontaine. She couldn’t.

“Hollis!”

_Oh God. Not now._

“You said that you would have that article on my desk three weeks ago. Where. Is. It.”

Laura braces herself before turning and meeting the editors undoubtedly red face. Yep. It sure was red.

“I told you. I need more time. Please just three more weeks.”

He sighs apparently trying not to explode, she watches the vein in his jaw pulse slightly before he speaks again. “Fine. But if you go over that, it’s done. I won’t even read it. Understand?” His finger is in her face and she has to lean back to avoid losing an eye.

“Yes. Loud and clear.” She watches him walk away, massaging the back of her neck.

“Woah. You sure pissed him off Hollis. What article is it?”

She hasn’t told anyone else so far. Not even Betty who seemed nice enough. They got coffee together sometimes. Why not?

“Oh, I uh asked to write an article on people living with HIV and AIDs.” There is a long uncomfortable silence.

“Wow. That sounds...heavy.” She’s typing again not even looking at Laura and there is something a little...shifty in her gaze.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

She leaves for her lunch break and when she returns coffee in hand what she sees when she gets back makes her stomach drop. All the girls and some of the guys from her floor are crowded round her desk, reading her notes.

“ _S. LaFontaine prefers they, them pronouns. Does not have a set gender_. Ugh. What a freak!”

White hot anger explodes inside her and it takes all of her willpower not to rush into the room and rip the paper from their prying hands.

She watches Betty pull out another page, “ _Pam, still hasn’t told her family she is living with HIV._  Well duh. Who would!?”

A girl that gave Laura a lift to work a couple of times makes a face of disgust. “That’s the last time I let Laura make me coffee. Who _knows_ what she’s carrying.”

When Laura speaks she swears her voice has never sound so cold. “Have you finished reading my private notes?”

They all turn and stare at her. They don't even look embarrassed.

“Oh. Sorry, I was just curious.” There’s amusement and disgust in Betty’s face. Laura has never felt so repulsed and terrified at the same time.

“I can see that. Now put them back in my drawer.”

She watches some people walk away, looking back at her and muttering to each other.

“ _Geez_ Hollis. You spend a bit of time with some queers and drug addicts and suddenly you’re all uptight can’t you take a-”

“Guess what Betty? I don’t give a shit-” She stacks the notes back together, they’re all jumbled but she can’t stop her hands from shaking. _How dare they._

“Yeah, we can tell. You actually think Mr Brians is gonna publish that trash-”

“Shut up! You don’t have a clue-” She is so close to tears now, so close to just walking out.

“Is that where you’ve been going all these months? To hang out with fa-”

“You know what Betty, I am one. I’m queer. Now get the fuck over yourself and leave me alone!”

Dead silence.

“Go figures. Well I guess we’ll leave you to work on your little _article_.”

She watches them go, shoulders heaving with the effort of not crying. All she wants is Carmilla. She has three hours before she can even walk out of this hell hole. She feels as though she has been stripped naked in front of them. LaFontaine pale and gasping for breath on the floor of the subway, Perry’s desperate sobs at the hospital, the anger and fear in Gordon’s face as he walked away all swim before her eyes. She sits down at her desk and weeps, the notes in her hands fluttering to the floor.


	5. Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well how about that finale huh? Anyway, I just want to remind you of this works archive warning. That is all I am saying.

Things have changed at the office.She was never all _that_ popular to begin with but now...she's never sent on a coffee round, no-one offers her a ride, no-one talks to her unless they absolutely have to and she wonders if this is what Harvey went through. To be honest she doesn’t care. She’s seen the people she works with for what they really are; cowards with their heads buried in the sand. Laura shudders to think she must have been like that once too.

She only goes to her apartment to get clothes on her way to Carmilla’s. She is half thinking of just moving in with her but she tells herself it’s too much, too fast. She throws herself into her work, but it feels pointless, vapid. Her notes for her own article are hidden in a draw at home, she can’t bring herself to look at them.

The moment she finishes work she catches the bus down to the hospital. Perry will be there without fail every time and Carmilla’s usually fetching a snack or some coffee. Laura tries not to see the dark circles under Perry’s eyes and ignores the dawning realisation that every day is a day closer to a world that LaFontaine will not be part of.

When she arrived yesterday, Danny and Kirsch were there. Kirsch has taken about three steps back in terms of living with his diagnosis. Seeing LaF likes this has awakened old fears. AZT no longer seems like a magic pill, it’s only a matter of time before the virus takes hold. In the end you are fighting a losing battle.

“Hey there, Hollis.” LaF’s eyes crinkle in the old familiar way. Laura stoops to press a kiss to their forehead, the skin clammy and hot under her lips.

“How are you feeling today?”

LaF struggles to sit themselves up a little, Perry notices and quickly helps them lean forward plumping the pillows under their back. “Tired mainly. Wish I didn’t have spend twenty hours of the day with that monstrosity over my face but whatever keeps my windbags going can’t be that bad, huh?”

Laura tries to smile. How LaF can be so positive? She wishes she could have their optimism and fortitude. After last week's fiasco at the office she had had to shut herself in the bathroom and cry for an hour to avoid the people staring at her sobbing at her desk.

Her day dreaming is broken by an awful hacking cough that ends in that rasping wheeze. Perry is there in a flash helping LaF put the nebuliser mask on.“Take it easy, sweetie.”

Laura feels like she’s intruding again, watching Perry brush LaF’s fringe off their forehead, squeezing their hand tight. Suddenly she feels an arm around her waist and the overwhelming scent of Carmilla envelopes her.

“You’re early, cupcake.”

Laura tilts her head up and presses a soft kiss to Carmilla's jaw. “Well you can’t keep me away for too long.” She watches Carmilla try to grin at LaF but Laura can see the she’s struggling to hold back tears.

 

“Hey Karnstein, we talked about this.” LaF’s voice is muffled by the mask but they don’t seem to mind. “No crying until after I’m gone. I don’t want to spend my last few weeks looking at your snotty face. You got that?”

Carmilla manages a weak laugh. “Yeah, loud and clear.”

* * *

 

It only took a few more days before things started to slide. LaF slept more, ate less, the cough racking their body every few minutes. It was agony, watching the person they all knew so well stripped away before their eyes. Perry doesn’t sleep or eat either, leaving only for a few hours to shower and change then come back. Laura has started leaving work at lunch bringing sandwiches, just to make sure Perry is eating _something_.

“You can’t help them if you pass out from lack of food-” but LaF is coughing again, body spasming with the effort and Laura’s words fall on deaf ears.

She and Carmilla talk little at the moment. This awful foreboding cloud of fear seemed to suck the life out of them. Carmilla can draw only in black and even then she can’t keep it up for more than ten minutes. It just seems wrong to continue with life when LaF’s is...Laura can’t bring herself to even think it.

By the end of the week they start to take shifts, mainly to support Perry, LaF is asleep most of the time now. Danny and Kirsch tend to come over in the morning, and she and Carmilla take the evening and night time slot. Soon it just becomes part of Laura’s daily routine. Grab some dinner, bus to Carmilla’s, subway to the hospital and walk the familiar corridors to LaF’s room. She knows she only has one more week before her deadline but every part of her brain is taken over with the total horror of the situation.

When they get there this particular evening it’s deadly quiet. Too quiet. Laura breathes a sigh of relief when she sees the rise and fall of LaF’s chest under the sheets, no matter how shallow it is.

“Hey Perry. Danny made you her meatless sub special, said it was on the house.” Carmilla holds out the brown paper wrapped package but Perry doesn’t even turn her head, eyes fixed on LaF’s pale face.

“I’ll have it later. I’m not hungry.” Her tone is vacant and she looks so lost, Laura feels her heart crack open.

“That’s ok. It’ll keep for when you’re ready.” Carmilla shares a wary look with Laura before stooping and pressing a kiss to LaFs cheek. “They’re cold.” She grabs the blanket from lower down the bed and tucks it around them, smoothing the creases out tenderly. If Perry notices she says nothing.

Laura and Carmilla take the other armchair, by the window. After settling herself in Carmilla’s lap Laura pulls a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird out of her bag and opens up at the chapter they had last read to.

When she next looks up, Perry’s head has lolled onto the sheets next to LaF’s arm fast asleep. She watches for a second, just to make sure she can see the rise and fall of LaF’s chest. It’s barely noticeable now and a dark and hollow feeling fills Laura’s stomach. She looks up at Carmilla. She’s dozing too, eyelashes fluttering on her cheeks. Laura knows she should stay awake but before she knows it she’s sinking deeper into Carmilla’s chest and the gentle beeping of the monitor by LaF’s bed lulls her to sleep.

When she awakes the room is almost dark. The lamp on the bedside the only light source. Perry is still asleep, Carmilla snoring softly in her ear. She is about to settle back down herself when she notices something. There isn’t the familiar wheeze of LaF’s breath, and instead of the rhythmic beep from the monitor there is a long flat sound that-

_Oh god._

She scrambles out of Carmilla’s lap, sending the book flying. She switches on the other lamp and the light stings her eyes with its brightness. She stares at LaF’s chest and waits. And waits. And _waits..._

With trembling fingers she reaches out to touch their cheek. It feels like ice and when she lifts the mask off their face, their lips are blue.

They’re gone.

She hears Carmilla stir behind her. “Laura...where’d you-” she struggles to sit up and freezes when she sees Laura standing by the bed. “Laura?” She turns slowly, tears beginning to spill down her cheeks. She meets Carmilla’s eyes and shakes her head. Carmilla presses her hands to her mouth and starts to sob. “ _No..._ ”

She looks at Perry, blissfully asleep and unaware, her hand still curled around LaF’s wrist. Laura prays she stays like that for a few more minutes but as her eyes flicker open Laura knows she is going to have to be the strong person for a little longer.

“Perry...I’m so sorry.”

Perry looks at LaFontaine, and Laura can see the moment confusion turns to utter devastation. The howl of pain and misery that comes out of Perry’s mouth rips Laura’s soul in two, and she watches as climbs onto the bed pressing frantic kisses to the pale and peaceful face.  _“Please...please don’t leave me. Please don’t go.”_

“Perry…” Perry doesn’t hear her, her face is pressed into the crook of LaFontaines neck, sobs wracking her body.

Laura says nothing. There is nothing to say.


	6. Goodbye Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! This chapter has been the most difficult for me to write but I hope that it deals with things sensitively and realistically.
> 
> TW: Misgendering, funerals.

Laura calls in sick before eight in the morning. She is totally exhausted having sat with Perry and Carmilla most of the night. Her boss isn’t too impressed but nonetheless he gives it to her. Unpaid. He also takes the opportunity to remind her she has five days to get her article on his desk. She mutters something non-committal and puts down the hospital payphone.

She walks back down the corridor. She thought she would feel something more than this...detached numbness but it feels like something was switched off, like her body can’t deal with any more. Carmilla and Perry are sat together, near LaF’s bed, now empty since the mortician came to take the body. Perry’s grief seems to be beyond tears now, there's a desolation in her face that is haunting and she can’t seem to take her eyes off the rumpled sheets and slight dent in the bed that had meant LaFontaine’s body has once lain there.

Carmilla’s eyes are red and puffy, shoulders occasionally shuddering with repressed sobs. She turns slightly when she hears Laura close the door, softly. “I got the day off work.”

Carmilla nods and Laura watches her throat bob as she swallows hard. Voice raspy, she squeezes Perry’s arm and speaks in the softest tone Laura has ever heard. “Perry, we need to leave soon. Come back with us. You can stay for as long as you need.”

Perry doesn’t move, she seems to be locked inside herself. “Perry, come on. Talk to us please.” Her eyelashes flicker for a second and then she takes a deep breath, choking on the deep sob that escapes her lips. “They promised we would always be together…”

Laura tightens her jaw, eyes slipping closed as a tear rolls down her cheek. Carmilla was right, pity shouldn’t be felt for the dead, but for the ones left behind.

* * *

LaF spent the last few days where they were fully conscious choosing the songs they wanted at the funeral, demanding that no-one wear black and that they all get drunk at the ABC after. “And don’t hang around either. Get it over and done with.” Now they were confronted with actually doing it, it made everything seem so _final._

Perry hadn’t really been able to do much towards it. She had been more or less catatonic for the last two days but Laura hopes the funeral will provide her with some peace.

In a way she’s glad to keep busy, it keeps her mind off the creeping numbness that grief seems to create in her. She fights to keep strong for Carmilla and Perry in the day but at night it’s like it swallows her whole. It’s worse when she’s at her apartment, without Carmilla’s gentle breathing to lull her to sleep. She spends hours staring at the ceiling, haunted by the faces of the people she’s interviewed, Perry’s tear stained cheeks, LaF’s blue lips and for some reason her father’s face, that lost, empty look she’s sure she has sometimes too. He looked like that for weeks after her mother died, trying to cook ahead and freeze as much as possible muttering to himself about keeping occupied. Maybe they were more alike than she admits.

LaFontaine had made one last request; that their parents were contacted. They hadn’t spoken much about them but Laura got the gist that things were... _strained_.

So it falls to her. Carmilla is out at the ABC helping Danny make plans for the party and Perry is asleep curled into a ball on Carmilla’s bed (god knows she needs the rest). She heads for the payphone on the corner of the street with a handful of change. She pulls the piece of paper with LaF’s clumsy handwriting out of her pocket and dials the number with slightly shaking fingers.

“Hello?”

Her mind goes blank. What can she say? How do you tell someone their only child has just died of complications of AIDs?

“Hello, Is that John LaFontaine?”

“Yes, speaking.”

Laura takes a deep breath and wills herself not to get emotional. “My name is Laura Hollis and I’m afraid I have rather bad news. You might want to sit down...is your wife there?”

There is a long hard silence.

“It’s about Susan isn’t it?” Laura winces. She realises this is why LaF hardly ever spoke about them.

“Yes. It is.”

She hears John call his wife. Laura feels her mouth go dry. Why did she volunteer to do this?

“We’re listening.”

“I’m really sorry..they...they passed away, two days ago, we would have called- ” The lines goes dead.

When she calls again she gets an answer phone. She leaves a short message about the date , time and place of the funeral and gives them Perry’s address, in the vague hope they might get in touch and leaves it at that. There is no point knocking on a door that doesn’t exist.

That evening she picks at her take out, even though it’s her favourite.

“Everything alright?” Carmilla is sat opposite her on the bed, a forkful of noodles halfway to her mouth.

Laura gives a heavy sigh and pokes at her own food. “I guess I’m not hungry.”

Carmilla puts her takeout box on the floor then gently tips Laura’s chin up until she looks at her. “Come on. Spit it out. You’ve hardly said a word since I got in this afternoon.”

Laura sees the worry in Carmilla's eyes and tries just this once to verbalise how she feels.

“I just...I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m meant to be feeling. LaFontaine is dead, I haven’t spoken to my dad in weeks and I only have two days to finish the article but I just can’t write it because it hurts too much-” and at last, she cries. The wall she has built around her emotions bursts and she finds herself pulled into a fierce hug, so tight it almost hurts but she doesn’t care.

When she’s finished sobbing, she pulls away, slightly embarrassed by the damp spot on Carmilla shirt.

“You have to write it.”

Laura blinks for a second. “I can’t.”

Carmilla wipes away the last traces of tears from her cheeks with her thumbs. “Yes you can...and LaFontaine would want you to.”

Laura knows she right. “My typewriter and my notes are at my apartment though-”

Carmilla is on her feet in seconds, pulling on her coat and boots. When Laura doesn’t move she turns to look at her, hands on her hips. “Well come on then. You have an article to write.”

* * *

 

Despite the endless cups of coffee Carmilla brings her she ends up passing out on the desk around four AM and when she wakes up to see Carmilla snoring lightly on her sofa and a clock telling her she only had thirty minutes to get to work she decides her day would be better spent finishing the article. So yet again she calls in sick. Mr Brians was NOT impressed but she promises to work over time the following week to make up for it. Strangely enough it feels easier to write now, like LaFontaine is willing her on. She can see the finish line and she is going to cross it. She needs people to know about them, and Pam and Gordon and Harvey…

Twelve hours later and a whole lot more coffee and cookies than should ever be consumed,Laura paperclips the final version of her article together.

Her hands are shaking from exhaustion and she hasn’t showered or brushed her teeth in over twenty four hours but she doesn’t care. She stands and stretches feeling her back and neck crack before stumbling over to Carmilla and shaking her awake.

“Wha-”

“I’ve finished it.”

Carmilla all but snatches it out of her hands and by the time she’s finished the first page she’s in tears. Laura had tried so hard to show the characters of the people she spoke to, to put a human face on a faceless evil and maybe, just maybe she has succeeded.

“Laura...it’s...it’s incredible. LaFontaine would be-”

“Proud. I know.” When Carmilla kisses her Laura feels herself melt into her arms. “I need to shower. I’m gross.”

An all too familiar smirk spreads across Carmilla’s face, “Well then, I guess I should join you. Conserve water, save time...that sort of thing.”

And without a word of warning Carmilla swoops a giggling Laura into her arms and carries her to the bathroom, kicking the door shut behind them.

* * *

 

She arrives at work the next day, only three minutes late, flushed with success and...other things. She dumps her bag and coat on her desk and has to fight not to run to Mr Brian’s office, her article clutched in slightly sweaty hands. She is about to knock on the door when it suddenly opens and she is confronted by Betty carrying several empty cups of coffee and with a slightly disgruntled expression on her face. Laura freezes for a second watching Betty’s lip curl a little when she takes in her flustered appearance. She forces a polite smile on her face “Good morning.” Betty simply brushes past her and Laura resists the urge to flip her off as she walks away.

She slips through the open door, feeling like her stomach was somewhere in region of knees and it takes her a few seconds to work up the courage to say anything.

“Good morning. I...I’ve finished the article.”

Mr Brian’s doesn’t even look at her but gestures to the desk in front of him. He’s been far colder with her the last few weeks and yesterday’s sickie had obviously not helped his attitude.

“I guess you’ll get back to me?”

Still nothing.

She places the papers on his desk, turns on her heel and walks out ignoring the twisting feeling in her gut and the small voice in the back of her head that tells her that all of her efforts have been wasted. When she’s called in after lunch it only takes a few seconds to realize,by the passive disinterest on his face, he wasn’t going to publish.

“Why?”

He leans back in his chair and folds his fingers together. “Because, like I said when you first asked me to write this, people are not interested in reading a pity party about homosexuals and drug addicts-” Laura leans forward on the desk her anger at everything that has happened the last few weeks has been bubbling under the surface and she felt like she was going to explode.

“You know _nothing_ about them. Did you even read it? Do you even _care_ -”

His eyes are bulging and that familiar vein is throbbing in his temple “Journalism is not about caring. It’s about cold hard facts. And the fact is those...people are going to die whether I publish your article or not. In all honesty Hollis I think you care too much. If you want to make it in this profession you need to grow up and start living in reality-”

He stops when she lets out a hysterical, mirthless laugh fighting back angry tears. “You actually don’t give a shit do you? Well you know what? You can stick your office and your desks and your advice. _I quit_.”

“Excuse me?” He’s on his feet now, face flushed with anger.

She stands back raising herself to her full height and even though he is a good foot taller than her she feels as if she is towering over him. “You heard me. I quit. I don’t belong here anyway. I thought I did but I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

And without another word, she turns and leaves. She keeps her head held high until she is out of the building, her arms wrapped around the contents of her desk jumbled into a box she had found in storage. It’s not until she gets back to her apartment where Carmilla had offered to wait for her that she finally lets go. She puts the box on the coffee table in front of Carmilla is lounging on the sofa. She notices her hands are shaking and it only takes one look of drowsy from Carmilla and she bursts into tears.

* * *

 

“What am I going to do?” It’s gone dark now. Carmilla’s at the stove cooking omelettes. It’s strangely domestic and Laura wishes she had invited Carmilla here sooner.

“What do you mean cupcake?” Laura sighs and walks over to Carmilla, sliding her arms around her waist, having to go on tiptoe just slightly to rest her chin on Carmilla’s shoulder.

“I mean, I’ve paid my rent for this month but after that..I need to get a new job but I doubt I will get a reference after that performance. Oh god, what am I going to tell my father, where am I going to-”

Carmilla moves the pan onto a cool hob and turns in Laura’s arms cupping her face in her hands. “Laura, you can come and live with me. I won’t let you starve and as for work something will turn up. I’m sure Danny could give you a shift at the ABC if things start to get really tough and-”

Laura cuts her off with a kiss. It’s soft and gentle and Laura tries to say all of the unspoken things currently buzzing around in her brain; _Thank you, I don’t know what I’d do without you_ and _you complete me_. When she pulls away Carmilla’s eyes are looking at her in a way that makes her feel like she’s the only person in the world.

Something inside of her explodes and the words leap out of her mouth before she even has time to think about it. “I love you.” There is a few seconds silence where an absolute horror starts to fill her.

 _God dammit! Why did she have to go and_ -

“I love you too.”

* * *

Laura never thought she would find herself back here; under a blazing blue sky burying a friend. Only this time there is a hand in hers, squeezing tight and the crowd round the grave is smaller. Perry presses a kiss to the lid of the coffin and murmurs something Laura can’t hear, she steps back and nods and the ushers slowly lower it down. The thud when it reaches the bottom has such a finality to it. This was really it. LaF was actually gone.

Sometimes Laura hears a busker on the corner where LaF used to play and for a joyful second she forgets and rushes to go and say hi, expecting to see red hair and eyes crinkled from their smile and instead is met by an elderly man with grimy fingers,playing on a worn guitar and wearing a hangdog expression.

The painful silence is broken by a choked sob and Laura looks up to see Danny burying her face into Kirsch’s shirt. She’s been so strong this whole time, for all of them and seeing her like this...It’s almost indecent. Kirsch has been staring blankly for most of the day but now his arms are wrapped around Danny and tears are trickling down his cheeks.

He’s been so lost ever since LaFontaine got ill. Kirsch looked up to them, saw them as an example of how to live with HIV and now they were dead. He’s stopped going Life Support the missing chair just reminded him how any one of them sitting there could be next.

They each take the dirt from the box offered to them and toss it into the grave. Laura doesn’t even register what the priest is murmuring, she doesn’t care. She wants to rage and scream at the cloudless sky. LaFontaine is leaving them. They’re gone and it’s just so unfair and cruel and-

She forces herself to take a deep breath. As she had expected LaF’s parents hadn’t come. Hadn’t even sent a letter. Either they didn’t care or didn’t want to care. Maybe as far as they were concerned the person they brought into the world was already dead the moment they asked to be called LaFontaine.

She watches the priest turn on his heel and leave. She wonders how many people he’s buried. He’s brisk and business like and the sympathy he offers seems a little detached. He’s probably used to this. Laura wonders if she will end up like this, as she watches more and more of her friends lose the battle.

Carmilla tugs on her hand and Laura looks up and returns the watery smile, wiping away a little off the mascara smudged around Carmilla’s eyes.

“Perry...we’re going now. Do you want to come with us?” Danny has left Kirsch’s embrace and though her voice still sounds thick with emotion it’s calm, her hand resting lightly on Perry’s shoulder.

“No. I think...I think I’m going to stay here for a while.”

Danny nods in understanding. “We’ll wait for you at the ABC. Don’t stay too long...LaFontaine would-” Laura watches her eyes squeeze shut for a second and a few more tears escape, sliding down pale cheeks. “LaFontaine would want us to raise a glass. We promised them.”Perry says nothing.

As they walk away, Laura turns back and watches Perry sit on a nearby headstone, her hair blazing in the afternoon sun. When she sees her shoulders start to shake she wants to run to her, hold her tight and tell her everything will be OK. But she knows that right now there is nothing she can say or do that would help because the one person that could truly ease Perry’s pain was gone.


	7. No Day But Today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who has read and supported this story. It's my longest fanfiction to date and I can't quite believe it's over. 
> 
> It's been a pleasure writing for you all.
> 
> Lissy x

“Hey Hollis! Order up for table eight!”

Laura shoots up from her usual position on the end of the bar dropping her notebook and pen in her hurry.

“Coming!”

She’s been working at the ABC for the last two months and Danny has made her feel like part of the team from the first day. When she had finally mustered up the guts to call her father and reveal she had walked out on her well paid, steady job in favour of serving drinks and what he called “hippy rabbit food” it hadn’t gone down well but she thinks that the surprise of that first revelation made the next thing she told him a little less shocking. That she was gay and was currently living with her girlfriend in one of the roughest parts of NYC.

“I can’t say I’m thrilled pumpkin...but all I’ve ever wanted since your mom died was for you to be happy. Are you happy?”

She remembers taking a deep breath and looking up at the faint glow coming from the window of Carmilla’s apartment and knowing Carmilla would be where she had left her sitting cross legged on the bed, sketch pad on her knee, fingers turning black from the charcoal she preferred to sketch with made her feel warm inside. She slid an extra coin into the payphone unable to stop the grin spreading across her face.

“Yes. I am”

She places the drinks on the table and she’s surprised to see Perry with someone she hasn’t seen before. “Laura! Come sit down for a minute I want to introduce you to someone.” Laura thinks Perry still looks drawn and pale. In fact this is the first time she’s seen Perry outside of her apartment for at least two months. She and Carmilla had been taking it in turns to drop off groceries and give her some company. It was good to see her out even if the smile on her face looked forced.

“Laura, this is Melanippe Callis, a friend of mine and the editor of the Village Voice.” Melanippe reaches across the table and grips Laura’s hand “And please.Call me Mel.”

Mel looks like no editor Laura has even seen. Her tightly curled hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun, leg up on the chair, her tatty band t shirt and ripped jeans a far cry from the neatly pressed suits and balding men that Laura was used to dealing with.

“Perry tells me you’ve written an article.”

Laura watches her take a long swig of beer straight from the bottle. “Uh, Yes, I did. I didn’t get in published though. It’s about-” Mel cuts her off a smile quirking her lips. “People living with HIV and AIDs. I know, Perry won’t stop talking about it. If it’s alright with you I’d like to read it...It’s not our usual type of article but a lot of our readers are affected by HIV and if I like it I think we could find a spot for it in our next edition .”

Laura feels her mouth drop open. “Are...are you fucking serious!?”

It’s just at that moment that Laura realises that she has just shouted at the top of her voice. In the middle of the full Cafe. Danny is standing at the bar, frozen in shock, mouth slightly open in the middle of wiping the surfaces, Kirsch with a similar slack jawed expression is over filling a glass of coke so that it spills onto the floor.

Mel throws her head back and laughs. It’s a warm and honest sound and Laura finds herself giggling too.

A a chime of laughter to her left startles her silent for a second.

Perry. Perry was laughing. She hadn’’t heard her laugh in months.They take one look at each other and suddenly they all collapse in helpless giggles.They only stop when Danny’s lanky shadow looms over them. Laura is clutching her stomach still shaking with silent laughter and Perry and Mel are hanging onto each other tears streaming down their cheeks.

“I’m not even going to ask.” Danny shakes her head and collects the empty bottles on the table. “Laura do you mind giving Elsie a hand in the kitchen? We’ve had a big to go order and she’s all on her own back there.”

Laura jumps to her feet. “Right on it!” she stands and places her hand on Mel's shoulder “I just want to say thank you-” Mel waves her off. “I haven’t even read it yet. When can you give me a copy?”

* * *

 

 

Sometimes Laura wonders about how exactly she got here. Was it that first frozen day when she walked the streets searching for answers to the questions burning in her chest and found Carmilla huddled on the steps? Was it that similarly bitterly cold night when they first kissed? Was it that moment when she turned and saw LaFontaine trembling and gasping on the grimy floor of the subway? The moment she walked into the office and Harvey shook her hand?

Maybe it doesn’t matter.

It’s the first time she’s ever seen Carmilla in anything but jeans. Instead she’s wearing a dress they found at a thrift store and it hugs her in all the right places and laura can’t help but let her gaze linger on the way Carmilla’s hips swing when she moves. It’s a gloriously warm evening, the windows are thrown open and the noises of New York filter in over the top of the quiet music they have playing. Perry helped them clean and tidy the loft space properly and is now currently bustling around the worktop, pouring slightly less god awful champagne than usual and arranging chips in bowls.

“Well it’s not quite what we...I envisioned for your first open exhibition but it will have to do.” Perry dusts her hands off and slips the apron from round her waist smoothing the wrinkles out of her outfit. Carmilla sighs and runs her fingers through her hair, before adjusting the cloth covering her final pieces. She’s even kept them secret from Laura, they’ve been covered every evening when she’s got back from work and she’s been expressly forbidden from peeking.

There is a long slightly tense silence.

“I wish LaF was here.”Carmilla murmurs softly. Laura watches Perry’s shoulders tense a little as she turns to busy herself with plastic cups that are already filled. When she speaks her voice sounds tight and thick. “Me too. They would have loved this.They...they would have been proud of you.”

Carmilla takes a deep breath and Laura sees the tell tale signs of her resisting tears, the clenched jaw and hands, the slight tremble to the lower lip. She places a soothing hand on the small of her back and presses a gentle kiss to her cheek. “We’re all proud of you.”

A loud knock at the door makes them all jump. “Shit! It’s eight already?”

Carmilla dashes to the door and throws it open only to be met by a mixture of some familiar faces and a couple of strangers. “H-hello. I um. You better come in I guess?”

Laura has to bite her lip to resist giggling. She’s never seen Carmilla this flustered before. It was kind of adorable. Their friends arrive first, Danny sauntering in still in her work uniform and bearing some more snacks. Kirsch follows. Laura can’t help but notice he’s been looking a little thinner lately but tonight he seems bright and happy, the light is back in his eyes and she notices they only get brighter when they fall on Danny.

Next come the people from Life Support and Laura is shocked to see Gordon shuffle in nervously, trying to hide behind the others. He looks well fed and happy if a little anxious. She’s turning to slide her hand into Carmilla’s when a tap on the shoulder makes her look round. Gordon holds her gaze for a few seconds before he looks down rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly “I Just wanted to say...I read your article. And I’m sorry...for what I said. I was out of-”

Laura cuts him off. “Don’t worry about it.”

“But I-” She rests her hand on his shoulder and he stops talking instantly seemingly shocked that she’s touching him. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m glad you read the article though.” He offers her a final small smile before he catches up to Pam.

Carmilla lets everyone mingle before she clears her throat loudly and her grip on Laura’s fingers tightens, bordering on painful. Laura has gotten better at reading her moods since she moved in and right now Carmilla is nervous. She strokes her thumb over the back of Carmilla’s hand trying to speak without words. _You can do this. We’re all so proud._

“I’d just like to say thank you for coming tonight. I never thought I would be doing this, and it’s only from the support of my friends...my family that tonight is happening. Without them I would still be doing commissions just to keep my power on.” A soft chuckle ripples round the room and Laura presses a kiss to Carmilla’s bare arm. When she speaks again her voice is firmer, more confident. “The series of paintings I am about to show you is called “Positive.” I hope I've done my subjects justice.”

As she walks from painting to painting sliding off the sheets the room falls silent. When Laura’s eyes settle on the first one they well with tears. It’s Harvey. It’s a copy of a picture that Laura keeps on her desk. His head is thrown back and he’s laughing, a cocktail in hand, some of it spilling down his wrist. In stark letters on the left side of the painting it says Harvey Williams, b. 08/13/1964 - d.11/10/1987.

The next painting isn’t someone she knows. She’s pale, golden hair falling in curtains around a thin but peaceful face. She is breathtakingly beautiful ,brow furrowed as she reads the tattered book in her lap. A kind of inner light seems to glow around her. Ell Vidal b.02/24/1965 - d.05/18/1986. She’s so lost in the girl’s eyes that she jumps when Carmilla’s arm slides around her waist. “She was beautiful.” Carmilla says nothing but tightens her grip and Laura knows she doesn’t want to talk right now. Finally she lets her gaze wander to the last painting.

S.LaFontaine b. 05/12/1963 - d.03/19/1988. LaF is sitting on their favourite street corner, guitar in their lap, bow tie askew. Their eyes are crinkled in a smile. For a moment she swears she can feel LaFontaine’s presence in the room, that they are about to crack a joke or complain about the quality of the champagne.

She glances to her left. Perry is next to them now. She reaches out as if she wants to touch the painting but draws her hand back quickly. Carmilla looks at her, waiting for a response. “Perry...I…”

The look Perry gives her says everything.

Laura steps away to give them some privacy and finds herself standing with Gordon, sipping at a glass of now lukewarm champagne. “I wonder how long it will be til I’ll be joining them." His voice sounds dark and cold again and the brightness in his eyes has faded.

“I don’t know. No-one knows. But you know what LaF always said right?”

Gordon nods, his eyes on LaF’s portrait. “Tomorrow is tomorrow, worry about today.”

When Laura first arrived in New York she was always waiting for tomorrow, for the next big adventure. She takes in Carmilla’s shy smile as someone compliments one of her sketches, Perry still standing entranced in front of the painting of her soulmate, Kirsch and Danny talking quietly in the corner, seemingly oblivious to the rest of the room. She realises-her past, her present and future are all in one room. But for now, Laura thinks, as she meets Carmilla’s eyes across the room, she would take the present.

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter titles etc. taken from the musical RENT by Jonathan Larson.


End file.
